The Year of Living Haphazardly

January 8, 2010

Alright, folks – it’s been quite a while and I can’t say that not blogging has done anything good for my life, so we’re back in action, completely funemployed and making the most of it exactly 1 year post-buyout.

I decided that a roundup of 5 Things I Learned Being Funemployed This Year would make up for the, oh, 6 month hiatus. Should I give you six things? Okay, six.

1. You Can Get Free Therapy.
Ok, well, not entirely free, like, forever, but honestly – if you appear to be in serious crisis, nice people like social workers have an obligation to help you out even if you can’t pay (or say you can’t pay). And this is, like, really super helpful when you’re funemployed and feeling like you can’t go on another minute ‘cuz you just can’t believe the mess you’ve gotten yourself into/made of your life.

2. Babysitting. Pays. WELL. (aka The Illegal Economy Is Good For You)
If you are living in a big city where there are still asshole bankers taking home multimilliondollar salaries paid for by taxpayers, then there are some multimilliondollar families looking for smart, well-educated, desperate young people to take care of their snot-nosed brats for anywhere from $15-$20 per hour. Some families pay for health insurance and apartments, even if you’re not live-in. I know people making $800 per week with insurance as nannies. It’s a good job, trust me, I’ve done it and I’ve lived to tell the tale. Some of the kids are actually quite nice and relate well to adults. Also, if you’re enjoying the work, it’s quite easy to add value and make yourself indispensable to the family while still having enough time to write your memoir or blog or whatever during playdates.

3. Savings accounts, CD’s and IRA’s are good things. Make them now, while you still have a job.
Seriously. Nothing can replace a rainy-day fund. If you have a job now, I would seriously consider cutting back on Thai takeout in order to put that $20 bucks in an account for the inevitable day you get laid off or fed up and quit your stupid 9-5 (or 8-10 as it may be). You’ll thank me later. This is my Suze Orman moment for the day.

4. Food Stamps and Medicaid Are Good Things, Too.
Ok, so I know a lot of people who went on food stamps and medicaid this year. You have to earn less than $208.00/week (legally) in NYC in order to qualify for Medicaid (I think food stamps require a slightly less destitute form of poverty), but if you can get them, they’re actually quite the money savers AND Medicaid is more comprehensive than many employer-sponsored health insurance plans. Just sayin’.

5. LOST Is The Best Show On TV.
I spent my September 2009 watching Seasons 1-5 and have come to the unequivocal conclusion that yes, LOST is the best show on TV BY FAR.

6. You can sell knitwear online, blog and find a readership, learn to teach and then quit teaching because it really sucks, become a nanny/babysitter and have a part-time marketing job all in one year.
Because that’s what I did, and I have to say that I enjoy my life now more than ever. Yes, even more than high school. Well, maybe not really. But I do have better and more frequent sex now, and that’s got to count for something.


The Singer of 7/31s Past.

July 30, 2009

If you’re one of those unemployed people who uses their free time to “be creative,” check out Age of the Cake tomorrow at Envoy Enterprises gallery, where you can help Mexican musician/artist Lazaro Valiente create his show live at the gallery and in the hours leading up to the exhibit on his Web site.

Valiente will spend the evening channeling music-makers who died or were born on July 31st; playing radio excerpts aired on previous 7/31s, and celebrating historic events with sound or music. Plus, you can pick up discount beer tix at the gallery, which can be redeemed next door at LES dive Home Sweet Home.

All the Deets:

Age of the Cake – an interactive exhibit with Mexican artist Lazaro Valiente

7/31 – 6 p.m.

Envoy Enterprises

131 Chrystie St


My Own Little Slice of Workspace Heaven

July 9, 2009

Like many other freelancers/work-at-homers, I sometimes (read: usually) struggle with remaining productive throughout the day. But this week, I’ve discovered what I’ve been missing all along.

The perfect workspace:

IMAGE_117

In my living room. On the couch. Wearing gym shorts. Legs crossed. Coffee table pulled in tight. Glass of water nearby. And iTunes on full blast (today’s choice: the latest Phoenix album).

Ahh….

Ugh, OK – back to work now.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that when I get tired of working, I can just fall back onto the couch and take a little nap. Oh, and the couch sits in front of the window, so great natural light and no wasted money on the electric bill. Ten points!


Kiss My ASSME, Job Search

July 2, 2009

Recently, in my travels across the World Wide Web, I came across a powerful organization of cast-off media moguls offering their tongue-in-cheek take on pop culture and media news: The American Society of Shitcanned Media Elites (aka ASSME, heh).

assme

Read the rest of this entry »


You Know You’re Terminally Unemployed When…

May 20, 2009

Picture 1

Okay, so we’re unemployed and yet we can’t even get our shit together to post on this blog?! Are we for real?! Yes, unfortunately, we’re for real. Being funemployed takes a toll on your motivation after a while. Just take it from our guest poster, CH! (Also, this is our 100th post!)

Our reader, CH, sent this to us by email. We thought it was a fabulous condensation of all our collected unemployed feelings as of late. I promise this had nothing to do with our laziness. We would have posted this whether or not we were sleeping 14 hours a day. Really.

On a temp agency application sheet, our reader CH wrote:  I am looking for an opportunity where I can create my own schedule (read: sometimes not show up at all) and continue to earn money (read: $65,000 annual base).

The sort of work doesn’t factor in my decision as long as it isn’t physical (though, I am willing to discuss homosexual pornography).  However, I am willing to explore options that may differ from my employment goal (i.e., filing, doing your errands, ego stroking, scheduling appointments, etc) as I am a fast learner and saddled with so much student debt that it is difficult to be picky.

Read the entirety of this guest poster’s blog after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »


Benefits of Unemployment #8

May 8, 2009

While your friends all get up in the morning to go TO an office. 

Picture 2

You get up in the afternoon and WATCH The Office on Hulu.

And you get to drink beer, too! My choice today: Honey Moon, a Blue Moon seasonal special brewed with honey, orange peel, and both pale and white wheat malts. Yumm-O.


You Know it’s a Recession When…

May 7, 2009

Thirty THOUSAND people apply to be public school teachers in NYC, 700 get in, and then they call a hiring freeze.

Those are "teach me" heels, as opposed to "fuck me" heels. Just so ya know.

Those are "teach me" heels, as opposed to "fuck me" heels. Just so ya know.

Shit sucks.


Protest! (Got Something Better to Do?)

May 7, 2009

There’s gonna be a protest! Heads are gonna fly. Like Lord of the Flies fly.

Look, we know y’all might not be too into unions (assholes!) Some of our readers have expressed this to us in email form. But y’all gotta admit that $405 is not enough to live on (especially if you’re letting them take 10% “income” tax out of it. Puhleeze!)

We used to skip the protests ourselves, because we were working (read interviewing politicians, police and actors), but this time we’re gonna go, at least to document this lovely Depression 2.0 moment. Won’t you join us?

Thanks to our friends at the National Employment Law Project!

Thanks to our friends at the National Employment Law Project!


Help Wanted: The Mafia

April 29, 2009

While every other industry dies a slow and painful death during the current economic crisis, one company is seeing a resurgence in business. The Daily News reports that the Mafia is “gobbling up gas stations, making loans to cash-starved businesses and acquiring buildings in swank neighborhoods, investigators say.”

So if you aren’t having any luck landing another magazine job and going back to Wall Street just seems too depressing, perhaps you should put in an application for the “family business.” 

I dont think this is the mafia they were talking about.

I don't think this is the mafia they were talking about.


IT’S SO EFFING HOT OUTSIDE

April 28, 2009

One of the many downsides to being unemployed: When a disgustingly intense heat wave hits in April, you can’t stay cool during the day by relying on your company’s central AC system, and instead lie at home all day in a pool of your own sweat and tears. 

Cant you just feel the cold air pouring out of this fucking vent?!

Can't you just feel the cold air pouring out of this fucking vent?!


Benefits of Unemployment #7

April 27, 2009

You can go to the Atlantic Terminal Target mid-morning and not have to wait in line behind screaming kids for half an hour just to pay for your items. 

Yes, my wood floors are pretty shiny and amazing.

Yes, my wood floors are pretty shiny and amazing.


You Know It’s a Recession When…

April 27, 2009

The government, which runs the post office, can’t afford to pay return-stamp fees, and you’re left paying your own postage to return forms to the unemployment office. 

image_0711

I received a ”Job Search Evaluation” form in the mail Friday. It seems I’ve reached the halfway point of my unemployment benefits, and the government would like to know how I’ve been spending my time. The least they could have done was to include one of those little “No Stamp Required if Mailed in the U.S.” envelopes.


Job Posting of the Day – Arsonist Wanted?

April 23, 2009

We will have to do a background check. It costs $50. You pay for it. If you can’t afford the criminal background check, do not bother calling. We can’t hire you without checking who you are. Read the rest of this Craigslist post.

Runner Up*

1. Looking for a person to Solicit fire to obtain emergency board-up jobs. (Arsonist?!?)

picture-115

*This post would have/should have won the top post of the day, but it’s located in Connecticut, not NYC.


You Know It’s a Recession When…

April 23, 2009

Moving to a new neighborhood means preparing yourself for a higher crime rate. 

Old Brooklyn nabe: 

No murders, minimal rapes, but quite a few robberies reported.

No murders, minimal rapes, but quite a few robberies reported.

New Brooklyn nabe: 

A few murders here and there, increasing numbers rapes reported, and even more robberies.

A few murders here and there, increasing numbers of rapes reported, and even more robberies!

Reports prepared by NYPD CompStat Unit. Check out your neighborhood here.


Splish, Splash!

April 23, 2009
New career alert: We hear the benefits are great, but theres a lot of turnover.

New career alert: We hear the benefits are great, but there's a lot of turnover.

Thanks to @god for the job tip.


Resume FAIL

April 22, 2009

Sometimes, copying out of a resume book is just obvious. It is impossible for this individual to have held all of these concurrent positions, and if he did, I’d check his urine for signs of uppers.

Brief overview: In a matter of 5 years this person managed to hold all of these jobs in all of these places – Public Information Writer (California), Nursing Assistant II (CA), Substitute Teacher (CA), Article Writer (CA), Anesthesia Technician (Chicago, IL), Law School Student (Chicago) Quality Assurance Technician (CA), Quality Assistant (CA).

Full resume after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »


You Know You’re Unemployed When…

April 22, 2009

You take 80% of your books to Strand and exchange them for spending money, knowing that the public library will have your back if you ever decide to read something again. That’s exactly what I did this afternoon, and I picked up some mad grifting skills in the process.

I made $35 today!

I made $35 today!

Read on for today’s full adventure in funemployment, featuring wet socks, a midget and TWO celebrities: Read the rest of this entry »


Earth Day Tips for the Unemployed

April 22, 2009

In honor of Earth Day, we’ve compiled a list of five fun things you, as a funemployed person, can do to help save the earth.

We love Earth so much we want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

We love Earth so much we want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

1) Print your resume on used paper, ‘cuz nobody’s reading them these days anyway. Read the rest of this entry »


Benefits of Unemployment #6

April 22, 2009

If you feel the need to set your alarm to encourage daytime productivity…

Yes, I set my alarm at weird times. Sue me.

Yes, I set my alarm at weird times. Sue me.

It’s still perfectly acceptable to hit snooze approximately 13 times.

And now you're judging the fact that my alarm clock has a Ninja Turtle perched on top of it. Jeez, I can't win with you guys.

And now you're judging the fact that my alarm clock has a Ninja Turtle perched on top of it. Jeez, I can't win with you guys.


This guy got paid at least $1 today.

April 22, 2009

Meanwhile, you and I did not.

p1040299

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!”

p10403001

“I once was lost, but now am found…”

p10403031“Was blind, but now I see!” Selah.

The story: Last night on my way back from lower Manhattan, I was sweetly serenaded on the 4 train by a most righteous funemployed musician. His instrument of choice? The plastic electric saxophone (sounds like a bassoon, since you asked). His song? Amazing Grace. You can send condolences to funemployednyc@gmail.com. I have video, but I spared you.


Resume FAIL

April 21, 2009

Folks, because of popular demand, your dedicated Funemployednyc.com writers are creating a new (and dynamic!) series of posts called “Resume FAIL” to highlight the hilariously pathetic resumes/cover letters that are posted in the New York City Craigslist resumes section.

We are going to remove the resume poster’s name, but otherwise, we’re letting the bad resumes speak for themselves. That is to say, we’re not making this shit up.

So, without further ado, the resume of the day:

I am experience

Greetings in the lord, my name is Gina. An i am a lay off preschool teacher. I also have alot of experience as a data-entry, customer service. And i also manage a bar in my spare time. I worked as a shipping and receiving clerk also. Have a variety of experiences. And looking for a job. Please contact me. Will send My resume & references . Please call if interested ###-###-####


You Know it’s a Recession When…

April 21, 2009

The Amish get laid off. That’s right, the economic slump depression has hit the Amish! (They work too damned hard anyway.) Some communities are suffering an unemployment rate as high as 19%. They’re about as bad off as black men.

I just wanna know one thing. How do you sleep at night after laying off an Amish person? I mean, really.

 

"They told me down at the plant 'today's your last day.' I wish I was allowed to cuss them out."

"They told me down at the plant 'today's your last day.' I wish I was allowed to cuss them out."

And the Amish church is starting to rewrite the good book, allowing folks to tap Uncle Sam for that UI Benefit.

From The Los Angeles Times:

The Amish church frowns on government aid, but it relented on unemployment checks after a wave of layoffs stung laborers in this settlement about 90 miles south of Indianapolis…

The March unemployment rate in LaGrange and Elkhart counties, where much of Indiana’s Amish population is concentrated, stands near 19%, about 4 percentage points higher than in Wayne County, Mich., home to Detroit and the American auto industry.

If the Amish, the most hard-working folks I can think of, are not able to keep jobs, then the rest of us are definitely going to hell.


Branding Yourself – Literally

April 21, 2009

This is what the gurus mean by branding yourself.

picture-113

To get a job in this economy: 1) be young 2) get a large tattoo of something “hipster” or ironically self-referential in a racist sort of way 3) lie, cheat, steal 4) get the job.

It’s not just Kari Ferrell, folks. I’ve known several people who got jobs basically because they had a 1/2 sleeve, tribal earrings and wore the expensive (read Barney’s) Converse. Granted, they don’t have “wanted” posters with their names on them and they are damned good at the jobs they get, but “on paper” they aren’t qualified. It used to just be “who you know.” Now, it’s what you look like. Remember, your look is your resume. Hone it. Own it. Work it.


Job Posting of the Day

April 20, 2009

Le Français il améliorent.

April 20, 2009

Translation: The French do it better. Protesting, that is. Yes, laid-off Americans might be angry, they might squat in their factories or even punch Dick Fuld in the face, but the French?

The French fucking kidnap their company’s owners and hold them hostage for severance packages. They call it Bossnapping. That’s gangsta. That rocks*.

 

Bossnapping the boss who's younger than you.

Bossnapping the boss who's younger than you.

From FindingDulcinea.com:

At 3M, a company known for its Scotch tape and Post-it notes, Luc Rousselet, an industrial director, had to sleep on cardboard for two nights, though he dined on mussels and French fries that workers brought. Rousselet was let go unharmed after agreeing to give laid-off employees additional pay. 

Read the rest of this entry »


Rainy Day Fun – Funemployed Movies

April 20, 2009

Do you ever, like, just really need a break from thinking about how down-and-out you are? When you read the news headlines about the economy (like how the banks all of a sudden are operating in the black, after getting us all laid the fuck off?) do you get so angry your face turns red? Have you noticed how much more interesting (not enjoyable, not comfortable, definitely not accessible, but interesting) New York has started to look since you became funemployed? 

Well, I do! And so it’s high time, I imagine, for a respite, a day of rest, from the stress of not having a job (ha ha!) and for some celebration of the fact that we’re living history – we’re the first 4 million unemployed people during the 2nd Great Depression! Okay, so that wasn’t as funny as I thought it’d be in my head.

Folks, I need a break. It’s time to watch some movies! And, not just any movies – I have chosen for our viewing pleasure two movies that glamorize the funemployed experience in New York City:

p1040190

Read Funemployednyc.com’s synopses and reviews after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »


Job Posting of the Day: See(k)ing Stars Edition

April 16, 2009

It’s just absurd how many job postings today want you to be a “star” or a “superstar” to work at a counter in a restaurant, on a food service truck, or some other inane job like that. I know the economy has created a glut of workers and not enough jobs, so employers can be picky, and I know that everyone in New York secretly wants to be  a star, but do they have to throw it in our faces like this? Can’t we just be unemployed and desperate, forced to trade our past $180,000 salaries to work on a waffle truck and trying to smile at least once during the day?

In no particular order:

Growing Sandwich chain needs rockstar counter staff (Chelsea and Fidi)

telemarketer star wanted! 

Kitchen Superstars Wanted (manhattan)

Office Administrator Superstar

Tech Superstars Needed (Midtown)


The Saddest To-Do List

April 16, 2009

So, I’m proud of myself that I completed my to-do list in 2 days. But it’s sad what was on it in the first place – all things having to do with fully terminating my employment, benefits, and seeking a new job.

to-do-list


Even Dragons are Out of Work These Days

April 16, 2009

Sometimes, when I have nothing else to do, I google phrases like “unemployed” and “unemployment” just to see what’s out there for people like me. Today, my search yielded a cartoon dragon begging for a job. Rawr:

Maybe we’d have better luck finding work if we were willing to be paid in cattle or princesses. Something to consider.


Unexpected Consequences

April 16, 2009

It might be weird that I didn’t see this coming, but it’s a lot harder to eat like a yuppie and to maintain my food consumption morals on $405/week.

My lunch today. Notice the open seat across from me. Table por uno, con queso.

My lunch today. Notice the open seat across from me. Table por uno, con queso.


Job Posting of the Day: Give Our Refards to Broadway

April 16, 2009

In the spirit of part-time jobs that make no sense: 

Medical Office are looking for MEDICAL DOCTORS; 
FAMILY DOCTORS 
OSTEOPATHIC MEDICAL DOCTORS 
Please email your resume at wisdom2miracle2@yahoo.com 
Best refards,Dr. 

Yes. That says “Best refards,Dr.” Completely unedited. 

To apply for this exciting opportunity, click here

Runners Up

1. Since Barry-O has announced a withdrawal of troops from Iraq, why not enlist in the Army! Though chances are you’ll just be sent to Afghanistan. =/ 

2. If you were a Broadway accountant right now, you’d probably be organizing a chorus line to celebrate the end of tax season. 

3. Make a load of cash now, “no talking to anyone“!


Surprise!

April 16, 2009

Got a letter in the mail today. Prudential Insurance Company of America. Just letting me know that I’m no longer covered by the $88,000 group term life insurance policy that MY JOB had taken out on me (guess who was the beneficiary?)

picture-19

Damn. Don’t trust the corporations, folks. They are out for your time, your money, and your life. Literally.


Best iPhones Apps for the Unemployed (who have iPhones… =[ )

April 15, 2009

PC Magazine has compiled a list of The Best iPhone Apps for the Unemployed, and some of the widgets are fueling my iPhone envy. 

For starters: 

01425i236243001

beamME CV: Upload your resume to your iPhone, and this app allows you to instantly send it to any editor, CEO, or HR rep you might meet at Starbuck’s. Works as email or text. ($9.99)

More after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »


Benefits of Being Funemployed

April 15, 2009

grlsonbench

Your new “office” is like the Visa card you get your weekly benefits direct deposited to, “it’s everywhere you want to be.” (Note for the unintiated: Bene’s are unemployment compensation benefits.)


Funemployment Statistics: Luck o’ the Irish

April 15, 2009

In honor of NYC’s Irish-American population, we present this statistic, about their native countrymen (and women):

Nearly half of all unemployed Irish people smoke. 

That’s a statistic we can all truly aspire to achieve.


You Know You’re Unemployed When…

April 15, 2009

You can’t afford COBRA, even with the 65% subsidy, so you go off your meds (this time for good) and replace them with herbal supplements.

From left to right: magnesium (headaches), skullcap/St. John's Wort (depression), feverfew (migraines), St. John's Wort (more depression), Omega-3 oil capsules (yet more depression), Effexor XR (the med from hell!!!)

From left to right: magnesium (headaches), skullcap/St. John's Wort (depression), feverfew (migraines), St. John's Wort (more depression), Omega-3 oil capsules (yet more depression), Effexor XR (the med from hell!!!)

I have to say, after going to an herbalist and having about a week and a half of full-blown withdrawal, I’ve never felt better. It’s like that freshman Nietzsche seminar never even happened.


Job Posting of the Day: The CAPS LOCK Edition

April 15, 2009

Looking for a part-time job to supplement your unemployment income? Why not pick up some shifts as a PART-TIME ATTORNEY EXPERIENCED WITH LANDLORD/TENANT ISSUES. CALL BOB FOR MORE INFO!!!! YEAH!!

Runners Up

1. Go green in your career by becoming an energy auditor. Assess people’s energy consumption for $20/hr. No experience required!

2.How would you like to make $1000 a day to 10,000 a week from home? Yes, please!

3. Design military-style backpacks for a start-up retail company. I guess camo’s about to make a comeback.


I CAN HAZ UR JOB?

April 15, 2009
PURRREEEZE?

PURRREEEZE?


Laid off. With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

April 13, 2009

money

$405/week, baby. Live it. Love it.


Quote of the Day

April 13, 2009

Dude in a suit on a cell phone, perusing a selection of wine:

“Well, I just got handed my get-out-of-work-free card. (Pause) What? No, stupid, I’m laid-off!”

Yes, that's Mr. Monopoly himself, kickin' yo' ass to the curb.

Yes, that's Mr. Monopoly himself, kickin' yo' ass to the curb.

- overheard today @Whole Foods 59th Street (Don’t ask me why his first reaction to losing his job was to buy overpriced wine.)

QOTD – brought to you by Parker Brothers


Lawyer Paid $80,000 to Hang out with Monks

April 13, 2009
A lawyer watching old episoes of "Family Guy" on Hulu.

A lawyer watching old episodes of "Family Guy" on Hulu.

In an unforeseen twist of unemployment irony, we have discovered that law firms are much more generous than most companies. Heather Eisenlord, along with 124 other associates at NYC firm Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, is taking the next year off. And getting paid for it! Read the rest of this entry »


Job Posting of the Day: The I See Dead People Edition

April 13, 2009

Take photos of people looking at dead people at the Bodies Exhibit at South Street Seaport. This is not a job for the shy!

Runners Up

Haven’t been to the dentist since you lost your benefits? Become a dental receptionist and convince the doc to help ya out.

Wanted: Polite, friendly, hard-working lumber salesman. (That’s what she said.)

Find an outlet for all that unemployment angst by torturing travelers as a JFK security guard!


Free Yoga for the Unemployed!

April 13, 2009

Strike your warrior pose and strengthen your job search muscles with a free Hatha yoga class at Integral Yoga.

Just don't wear those 80's hair scrunchies.

Just don't wear those 80's hair scrunchies.


New Work Opportunities

April 13, 2009

Brooklyn artist seeks job as Somali Pirate. Has own pashmina, knows how to use it.

somalipirate1“Some of the first pirates were white, you know? Black Beard. Jack Sparrow. Christopher Columbus,” says Ken Fitzgerald*, 23, from Williamsburg. “I really think I can add something to the ship. Diversity, the benefit of a white person to hold hostage, I don’t know…irony?”**

* Not real name.

** This post was written and published before the events of yesterday were reported. Oops.


April 11, 2009
Look, laid off (f)unemployed writers need weekends too.

Look, laid off (f)unemployed writers need weekends too.


Job Posting of the Day: Sex Blogger Should Knowing The Internet Pretty Well

April 10, 2009

I love the posts where the potential employer who has minimal command of English grammar mandates that the potential employee is an English expert. It really makes this writer’s day.

You should:
1. Have a good knowledge of contemporary and popular sexuality
2. Knowing the internet pretty well
3. Excellent English
4. Someone who is NOT a prude or is pushing an agenda.


It’s 5:30 p.m.

April 10, 2009

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably not going to become (f)unemployed this week.

congratulations3


Benefits of Unemployment #5

April 10, 2009

You can get drunk, go to sleep, wake up, and then get drunk again.

Lindsay understands.

Lindsay understands.

And not even have to feel guilty about it!


‘Underground’ gym offering Free Memberships to the Laid-Off!

April 10, 2009

I thought the subway stairs counted as an underground gym? Guess not.

From Time Out New York:

Eric Slayton, owner of New York Underground Fitness, says that anyone who shows him proof of lost employment will be welcome at his gym–free of charge. “I feel an obligation, and am in a position to help people through this tough time,” Slayton says…What a guy. Bet you never thought unemployment could work wonders for your waistline!

New York Underground Fitness

440 W 57th St between Ninth and Tenth Aves (212-957-4781, nyundergroundfitness.com)

So much free shit, so much time!


You Know You’re Unemployed When…

April 10, 2009

To make yourself feel better, you sometimes put on your best suit and go to lunch at Pret-A-Manger, ‘cuz you just need to be around office types.

Just don't actually buy those expensive-ass sandwiches and salads.

Just don't actually buy those expensive-ass sandwiches and salads.

From The New York Times: (Who totally called me out on my shit with this story.)

“Look around you. On the train platform, at the bus stop, in the car pool lane: these days someone there is probably faking it, maintaining a job routine without having a job to go to.”

Read the rest of this entry »


Ways to Make Your Employed Friends Jealous #2

April 10, 2009

When meeting a group of them for lunch, casually mention that you can’t wait to get home to your couch as soon as they start complaining about going back to work all afternoon.

103307266zvxrah_fs

Apparently all of our former co-workers are Asian. (Not our real former coworkers.)


April 10, 2009

“If you send my resume to your hiring manager, I’ll be your best friend and I’ll share my Tasti D-Lite with you.”

"OK"

"OK"


“Will work for work.”

April 10, 2009

Quote of the day provided by my friend Patty’s* gchat away message.

I've heard these t-shirts do help.

I've heard these t-shirts do help.

*IMG cafepress.com

*Real name used with permission.


Pop Culture Poison Part Deux: The 30 Rock Edition

April 10, 2009

Tracy Jordan. Or is this Morgan?

Tracy Jordan. Or is this Tracy Morgan?

With Buffy out of the way, I decided to go back through my DVDs and find another, possibly lighter show to help me pass the time. I’m all for ancient demons and fateful battles, but an unemployed person can only take so many apocalypses before the end of the world starts to mirror real life.

So I pulled out my 30 Rock DVDs and was instantly reminded of how hilarious the show was from episode one. And with that, I will let Tracy Jordan impart an AIDS-injected chicken nugget of wisdom to all of the unemployed people out there who have no quality of life now that they no longer have jobs.

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Free Dry Cleaning for Unemployed Ppl.!

April 10, 2009

Yo fellow laid-off peeps! Fill up your suitcase and head over to the Upper West Side TODAY (like, NOW) for free dry cleaning (with proof of unemployment?) DO IT now, before they realize how much money this could lose them.

Whoever made this sign - they should fire them and hire me instead.

Whoever made this sign - they should fire them and hire me instead.

First Professional Cleaners, 345 E 72nd St between First and Second Aves (212-327-0625)

Thanks to The Skint daily update and TONY for the picture I stole borrowed! (I’ll pay you back when I get a job, k?)


April 10, 2009

tgif2

When you’re funemployed, the saying kinda loses all its meaning.

However…

This man still means the world to me.

This man still means the world to me.

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The Real Victims of the Recession: The Still-Employed

April 10, 2009
An employed person, stressed out from having to hide his good fortune from all of his unemployed friends.

An employed person, stressed out from having to hide his good fortune from all of his unemployed friends.

Don’t lie. You’re unemployed, and you probably spend at least 75% of your day feeling sorry for yourself, worrying how you’re going to make it without a steady paycheck, missing old co-workers, and essentially wallowing in your own filth.

But now, Newsweek reveals, you’ve been feeling sorry for the wrong person. Your employed friends have it much worse than you do!

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“The thing is, you really don’t have that many options.”

April 10, 2009

Overheard at the temp agency this morning. And no, the counselor wasn’t talking to me.


We Don’t Want No Scrubs

April 10, 2009

Get me, for free!

If you’re like us and your roommates are doing everything in their power to keep you occupied as you sit at home all day, this special offer from CleanUpThatFilthyHouse.com will keep you and your disgusting roommates happy.

Get a free 2-pack of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers with Extra Power! by simply visiting their site and filling out a quick order form. Your piss-caked bathroom floor and moldy tub will be forever grateful.

Offer via FreeShiet.com.


Job Posting of the Day: No Hygeine Req’d.

April 9, 2009