January 8, 2010
Alright, folks – it’s been quite a while and I can’t say that not blogging has done anything good for my life, so we’re back in action, completely funemployed and making the most of it exactly 1 year post-buyout.
I decided that a roundup of 5 Things I Learned Being Funemployed This Year would make up for the, oh, 6 month hiatus. Should I give you six things? Okay, six.
1. You Can Get Free Therapy.
Ok, well, not entirely free, like, forever, but honestly – if you appear to be in serious crisis, nice people like social workers have an obligation to help you out even if you can’t pay (or say you can’t pay). And this is, like, really super helpful when you’re funemployed and feeling like you can’t go on another minute ‘cuz you just can’t believe the mess you’ve gotten yourself into/made of your life.
2. Babysitting. Pays. WELL. (aka The Illegal Economy Is Good For You)
If you are living in a big city where there are still asshole bankers taking home multimilliondollar salaries paid for by taxpayers, then there are some multimilliondollar families looking for smart, well-educated, desperate young people to take care of their snot-nosed brats for anywhere from $15-$20 per hour. Some families pay for health insurance and apartments, even if you’re not live-in. I know people making $800 per week with insurance as nannies. It’s a good job, trust me, I’ve done it and I’ve lived to tell the tale. Some of the kids are actually quite nice and relate well to adults. Also, if you’re enjoying the work, it’s quite easy to add value and make yourself indispensable to the family while still having enough time to write your memoir or blog or whatever during playdates.
3. Savings accounts, CD’s and IRA’s are good things. Make them now, while you still have a job.
Seriously. Nothing can replace a rainy-day fund. If you have a job now, I would seriously consider cutting back on Thai takeout in order to put that $20 bucks in an account for the inevitable day you get laid off or fed up and quit your stupid 9-5 (or 8-10 as it may be). You’ll thank me later. This is my Suze Orman moment for the day.
4. Food Stamps and Medicaid Are Good Things, Too.
Ok, so I know a lot of people who went on food stamps and medicaid this year. You have to earn less than $208.00/week (legally) in NYC in order to qualify for Medicaid (I think food stamps require a slightly less destitute form of poverty), but if you can get them, they’re actually quite the money savers AND Medicaid is more comprehensive than many employer-sponsored health insurance plans. Just sayin’.
5. LOST Is The Best Show On TV.
I spent my September 2009 watching Seasons 1-5 and have come to the unequivocal conclusion that yes, LOST is the best show on TV BY FAR.
6. You can sell knitwear online, blog and find a readership, learn to teach and then quit teaching because it really sucks, become a nanny/babysitter and have a part-time marketing job all in one year.
Because that’s what I did, and I have to say that I enjoy my life now more than ever. Yes, even more than high school. Well, maybe not really. But I do have better and more frequent sex now, and that’s got to count for something.
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Dating while Unemployed, New Work Opportunities, Tee Emm Ai, Ways to make your employed friends jealous, funemployed | 
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Posted by funemployednyc
July 30, 2009
If you’re one of those unemployed people who uses their free time to “be creative,” check out Age of the Cake tomorrow at Envoy Enterprises gallery, where you can help Mexican musician/artist Lazaro Valiente create his show live at the gallery and in the hours leading up to the exhibit on his Web site.
Valiente will spend the evening channeling music-makers who died or were born on July 31st; playing radio excerpts aired on previous 7/31s, and celebrating historic events with sound or music. Plus, you can pick up discount beer tix at the gallery, which can be redeemed next door at LES dive Home Sweet Home.
All the Deets:
Age of the Cake – an interactive exhibit with Mexican artist Lazaro Valiente
7/31 – 6 p.m.
Envoy Enterprises
131 Chrystie St
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Posted by inquirewithin09
July 9, 2009
Like many other freelancers/work-at-homers, I sometimes (read: usually) struggle with remaining productive throughout the day. But this week, I’ve discovered what I’ve been missing all along.
The perfect workspace:
In my living room. On the couch. Wearing gym shorts. Legs crossed. Coffee table pulled in tight. Glass of water nearby. And iTunes on full blast (today’s choice: the latest Phoenix album).
Ahh….
Ugh, OK – back to work now.
UPDATE: I forgot to mention that when I get tired of working, I can just fall back onto the couch and take a little nap. Oh, and the couch sits in front of the window, so great natural light and no wasted money on the electric bill. Ten points!
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Posted by inquirewithin09
July 2, 2009
Recently, in my travels across the World Wide Web, I came across a powerful organization of cast-off media moguls offering their tongue-in-cheek take on pop culture and media news: The American Society of Shitcanned Media Elites (aka ASSME, heh).
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by inquirewithin09
May 20, 2009
Okay, so we’re unemployed and yet we can’t even get our shit together to post on this blog?! Are we for real?! Yes, unfortunately, we’re for real. Being funemployed takes a toll on your motivation after a while. Just take it from our guest poster, CH! (Also, this is our 100th post!)
Our reader, CH, sent this to us by email. We thought it was a fabulous condensation of all our collected unemployed feelings as of late. I promise this had nothing to do with our laziness. We would have posted this whether or not we were sleeping 14 hours a day. Really.
On a temp agency application sheet, our reader CH wrote: I am looking for an opportunity where I can create my own schedule (read: sometimes not show up at all) and continue to earn money (read: $65,000 annual base).
The sort of work doesn’t factor in my decision as long as it isn’t physical (though, I am willing to discuss homosexual pornography). However, I am willing to explore options that may differ from my employment goal (i.e., filing, doing your errands, ego stroking, scheduling appointments, etc) as I am a fast learner and saddled with so much student debt that it is difficult to be picky.
Read the entirety of this guest poster’s blog after the jump.
Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | Guest Blogger!, The Unemployed Life, You Know You're Unemployed When... | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
May 8, 2009
While your friends all get up in the morning to go TO an office.
You get up in the afternoon and WATCH The Office on Hulu.
And you get to drink beer, too! My choice today: Honey Moon, a Blue Moon seasonal special brewed with honey, orange peel, and both pale and white wheat malts. Yumm-O.
3 Comments | The Funemployed Life, Unemployment Benefits | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
May 7, 2009
Thirty THOUSAND people apply to be public school teachers in NYC, 700 get in, and then they call a hiring freeze.
Those are "teach me" heels, as opposed to "fuck me" heels. Just so ya know.
Shit sucks.
3 Comments | Recessionomics, You Know it's a Recession When... | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
May 7, 2009
There’s gonna be a protest! Heads are gonna fly. Like Lord of the Flies fly.
Look, we know y’all might not be too into unions (assholes!) Some of our readers have expressed this to us in email form. But y’all gotta admit that $405 is not enough to live on (especially if you’re letting them take 10% “income” tax out of it. Puhleeze!)
We used to skip the protests ourselves, because we were working (read interviewing politicians, police and actors), but this time we’re gonna go, at least to document this lovely Depression 2.0 moment. Won’t you join us?
Thanks to our friends at the National Employment Law Project!
1 Comment | Unemployment Benefits | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 29, 2009
While every other industry dies a slow and painful death during the current economic crisis, one company is seeing a resurgence in business. The Daily News reports that the Mafia is “gobbling up gas stations, making loans to cash-starved businesses and acquiring buildings in swank neighborhoods, investigators say.”
So if you aren’t having any luck landing another magazine job and going back to Wall Street just seems too depressing, perhaps you should put in an application for the “family business.”
I don't think this is the mafia they were talking about.
Leave a Comment » | New Work Opportunities, Recessionomics | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 27, 2009
The government, which runs the post office, can’t afford to pay return-stamp fees, and you’re left paying your own postage to return forms to the unemployment office.
I received a ”Job Search Evaluation” form in the mail Friday. It seems I’ve reached the halfway point of my unemployment benefits, and the government would like to know how I’ve been spending my time. The least they could have done was to include one of those little “No Stamp Required if Mailed in the U.S.” envelopes.
2 Comments | You Know it's a Recession When..., unemployed, unemployment | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 23, 2009
Moving to a new neighborhood means preparing yourself for a higher crime rate.
Old Brooklyn nabe:
No murders, minimal rapes, but quite a few robberies reported.
New Brooklyn nabe:
A few murders here and there, increasing numbers of rapes reported, and even more robberies!
Reports prepared by NYPD CompStat Unit. Check out your neighborhood here.
3 Comments | Recessionomics, You Know it's a Recession When... | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 22, 2009
Sometimes, copying out of a resume book is just obvious. It is impossible for this individual to have held all of these concurrent positions, and if he did, I’d check his urine for signs of uppers.
Brief overview: In a matter of 5 years this person managed to hold all of these jobs in all of these places – Public Information Writer (California), Nursing Assistant II (CA), Substitute Teacher (CA), Article Writer (CA), Anesthesia Technician (Chicago, IL), Law School Student (Chicago) Quality Assurance Technician (CA), Quality Assistant (CA).
Full resume after the jump.
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by funemployednyc
April 22, 2009
You take 80% of your books to Strand and exchange them for spending money, knowing that the public library will have your back if you ever decide to read something again. That’s exactly what I did this afternoon, and I picked up some mad grifting skills in the process.
I made $35 today!
Read on for today’s full adventure in funemployment, featuring wet socks, a midget and TWO celebrities: Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | Unemployment Benefits, You Know You're Unemployed When... | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 22, 2009
In honor of Earth Day, we’ve compiled a list of five fun things you, as a funemployed person, can do to help save the earth.
We love Earth so much we want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
1) Print your resume on used paper, ‘cuz nobody’s reading them these days anyway. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | The Funemployed Life, The Unemployed Life, Unemployment Benefits, Ways to make your employed friends jealous | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 22, 2009
If you feel the need to set your alarm to encourage daytime productivity…
Yes, I set my alarm at weird times. Sue me.
It’s still perfectly acceptable to hit snooze approximately 13 times.
And now you're judging the fact that my alarm clock has a Ninja Turtle perched on top of it. Jeez, I can't win with you guys.
2 Comments | The Funemployed Life, The Unemployed Life, Unemployment Benefits, Ways to make your employed friends jealous | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 22, 2009
Meanwhile, you and I did not.
“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!”
“I once was lost, but now am found…”
“Was blind, but now I see!” Selah.
The story: Last night on my way back from lower Manhattan, I was sweetly serenaded on the 4 train by a most righteous funemployed musician. His instrument of choice? The plastic electric saxophone (sounds like a bassoon, since you asked). His song? Amazing Grace. You can send condolences to funemployednyc@gmail.com. I have video, but I spared you.
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Posted by funemployednyc
April 21, 2009
Folks, because of popular demand, your dedicated Funemployednyc.com writers are creating a new (and dynamic!) series of posts called “Resume FAIL” to highlight the hilariously pathetic resumes/cover letters that are posted in the New York City Craigslist resumes section.
We are going to remove the resume poster’s name, but otherwise, we’re letting the bad resumes speak for themselves. That is to say, we’re not making this shit up.
So, without further ado, the resume of the day:
I am experience
Greetings in the lord, my name is Gina. An i am a lay off preschool teacher. I also have alot of experience as a data-entry, customer service. And i also manage a bar in my spare time. I worked as a shipping and receiving clerk also. Have a variety of experiences. And looking for a job. Please contact me. Will send My resume & references . Please call if interested ###-###-####
3 Comments | Resume FAIL | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 21, 2009
The Amish get laid off. That’s right, the economic slump depression has hit the Amish! (They work too damned hard anyway.) Some communities are suffering an unemployment rate as high as 19%. They’re about as bad off as black men.
I just wanna know one thing. How do you sleep at night after laying off an Amish person? I mean, really.
"They told me down at the plant 'today's your last day.' I wish I was allowed to cuss them out."
And the Amish church is starting to rewrite the good book, allowing folks to tap Uncle Sam for that UI Benefit.
From The Los Angeles Times:
The Amish church frowns on government aid, but it relented on unemployment checks after a wave of layoffs stung laborers in this settlement about 90 miles south of Indianapolis…
The March unemployment rate in LaGrange and Elkhart counties, where much of Indiana’s Amish population is concentrated, stands near 19%, about 4 percentage points higher than in Wayne County, Mich., home to Detroit and the American auto industry.
If the Amish, the most hard-working folks I can think of, are not able to keep jobs, then the rest of us are definitely going to hell.
3 Comments | Unemployment Benefits, You Know it's a Recession When..., unemployed | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 21, 2009
This is what the gurus mean by branding yourself.
To get a job in this economy: 1) be young 2) get a large tattoo of something “hipster” or ironically self-referential in a racist sort of way 3) lie, cheat, steal 4) get the job.
It’s not just Kari Ferrell, folks. I’ve known several people who got jobs basically because they had a 1/2 sleeve, tribal earrings and wore the expensive (read Barney’s) Converse. Granted, they don’t have “wanted” posters with their names on them and they are damned good at the jobs they get, but “on paper” they aren’t qualified. It used to just be “who you know.” Now, it’s what you look like. Remember, your look is your resume. Hone it. Own it. Work it.
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Posted by funemployednyc
April 20, 2009
Translation: The French do it better. Protesting, that is. Yes, laid-off Americans might be angry, they might squat in their factories or even punch Dick Fuld in the face, but the French?
The French fucking kidnap their company’s owners and hold them hostage for severance packages. They call it Bossnapping. That’s gangsta. That rocks*.
Bossnapping the boss who's younger than you.
From FindingDulcinea.com:
At 3M, a company known for its Scotch tape and Post-it notes, Luc Rousselet, an industrial director, had to sleep on cardboard for two nights, though he dined on mussels and French fries that workers brought. Rousselet was let go unharmed after agreeing to give laid-off employees additional pay.
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by funemployednyc
April 20, 2009
Do you ever, like, just really need a break from thinking about how down-and-out you are? When you read the news headlines about the economy (like how the banks all of a sudden are operating in the black, after getting us all laid the fuck off?) do you get so angry your face turns red? Have you noticed how much more interesting (not enjoyable, not comfortable, definitely not accessible, but interesting) New York has started to look since you became funemployed?
Well, I do! And so it’s high time, I imagine, for a respite, a day of rest, from the stress of not having a job (ha ha!) and for some celebration of the fact that we’re living history – we’re the first 4 million unemployed people during the 2nd Great Depression! Okay, so that wasn’t as funny as I thought it’d be in my head.
Folks, I need a break. It’s time to watch some movies! And, not just any movies – I have chosen for our viewing pleasure two movies that glamorize the funemployed experience in New York City:
Read Funemployednyc.com’s synopses and reviews after the jump.
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by funemployednyc
April 16, 2009
Sometimes, when I have nothing else to do, I google phrases like “unemployed” and “unemployment” just to see what’s out there for people like me. Today, my search yielded a cartoon dragon begging for a job. Rawr:
Maybe we’d have better luck finding work if we were willing to be paid in cattle or princesses. Something to consider.
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Posted by inquirewithin09
April 16, 2009
In the spirit of part-time jobs that make no sense:
Medical Office are looking for MEDICAL DOCTORS;
FAMILY DOCTORS
OSTEOPATHIC MEDICAL DOCTORS
Please email your resume at wisdom2miracle2@yahoo.com
Best refards,Dr.
Yes. That says “Best refards,Dr.” Completely unedited.
To apply for this exciting opportunity, click here.
Runners Up
1. Since Barry-O has announced a withdrawal of troops from Iraq, why not enlist in the Army! Though chances are you’ll just be sent to Afghanistan. =/
2. If you were a Broadway accountant right now, you’d probably be organizing a chorus line to celebrate the end of tax season.
3. Make a load of cash now, “no talking to anyone“!
2 Comments | Uncategorized | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 16, 2009
Got a letter in the mail today. Prudential Insurance Company of America. Just letting me know that I’m no longer covered by the $88,000 group term life insurance policy that MY JOB had taken out on me (guess who was the beneficiary?)
Damn. Don’t trust the corporations, folks. They are out for your time, your money, and your life. Literally.
Leave a Comment » | Overheard..., Things you find out after termination of employment, unemployed | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 15, 2009
PC Magazine has compiled a list of The Best iPhone Apps for the Unemployed, and some of the widgets are fueling my iPhone envy.
For starters:
beamME CV: Upload your resume to your iPhone, and this app allows you to instantly send it to any editor, CEO, or HR rep you might meet at Starbuck’s. Works as email or text. ($9.99)
More after the jump…
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by inquirewithin09
April 15, 2009
In honor of NYC’s Irish-American population, we present this statistic, about their native countrymen (and women):
Nearly half of all unemployed Irish people smoke.
That’s a statistic we can all truly aspire to achieve.
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Posted by inquirewithin09
April 15, 2009
You can’t afford COBRA, even with the 65% subsidy, so you go off your meds (this time for good) and replace them with herbal supplements.
From left to right: magnesium (headaches), skullcap/St. John's Wort (depression), feverfew (migraines), St. John's Wort (more depression), Omega-3 oil capsules (yet more depression), Effexor XR (the med from hell!!!)
I have to say, after going to an herbalist and having about a week and a half of full-blown withdrawal, I’ve never felt better. It’s like that freshman Nietzsche seminar never even happened.
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Posted by funemployednyc
April 15, 2009
Looking for a part-time job to supplement your unemployment income? Why not pick up some shifts as a PART-TIME ATTORNEY EXPERIENCED WITH LANDLORD/TENANT ISSUES. CALL BOB FOR MORE INFO!!!! YEAH!!
Runners Up
1. Go green in your career by becoming an energy auditor. Assess people’s energy consumption for $20/hr. No experience required!
2.How would you like to make $1000 a day to 10,000 a week from home? Yes, please!
3. Design military-style backpacks for a start-up retail company. I guess camo’s about to make a comeback.
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Posted by inquirewithin09
April 13, 2009
Dude in a suit on a cell phone, perusing a selection of wine:
“Well, I just got handed my get-out-of-work-free card. (Pause) What? No, stupid, I’m laid-off!”
Yes, that's Mr. Monopoly himself, kickin' yo' ass to the curb.
- overheard today @Whole Foods 59th Street (Don’t ask me why his first reaction to losing his job was to buy overpriced wine.)
QOTD – brought to you by Parker Brothers
2 Comments | Overheard..., QOTD, The Funemployed Life | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 13, 2009
Take photos of people looking at dead people at the Bodies Exhibit at South Street Seaport. This is not a job for the shy!
Runners Up
Haven’t been to the dentist since you lost your benefits? Become a dental receptionist and convince the doc to help ya out.
Wanted: Polite, friendly, hard-working lumber salesman. (That’s what she said.)
Find an outlet for all that unemployment angst by torturing travelers as a JFK security guard!
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Posted by inquirewithin09
April 13, 2009
Strike your warrior pose and strengthen your job search muscles with a free Hatha yoga class at Integral Yoga.
Just don't wear those 80's hair scrunchies.
Leave a Comment » | Freegan Life, Overheard..., Unemployment Benefits | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 13, 2009
Brooklyn artist seeks job as Somali Pirate. Has own pashmina, knows how to use it.
“Some of the first pirates were white, you know? Black Beard. Jack Sparrow. Christopher Columbus,” says Ken Fitzgerald*, 23, from Williamsburg. “I really think I can add something to the ship. Diversity, the benefit of a white person to hold hostage, I don’t know…irony?”**
* Not real name.
** This post was written and published before the events of yesterday were reported. Oops.
Leave a Comment » | New Work Opportunities | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 10, 2009
You can get drunk, go to sleep, wake up, and then get drunk again.
Lindsay understands.
And not even have to feel guilty about it!
Leave a Comment » | The Unemployed Life, Unemployment Benefits, unemployed | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 10, 2009
I thought the subway stairs counted as an underground gym? Guess not.
From Time Out New York:
Eric Slayton, owner of New York Underground Fitness, says that anyone who shows him proof of lost employment will be welcome at his gym–free of charge. “I feel an obligation, and am in a position to help people through this tough time,” Slayton says…What a guy. Bet you never thought unemployment could work wonders for your waistline!
New York Underground Fitness
440 W 57th St between Ninth and Tenth Aves (212-957-4781, nyundergroundfitness.com)
So much free shit, so much time!
Leave a Comment » | Freegan Life, The Funemployed Life, Unemployment Benefits | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 10, 2009
To make yourself feel better, you sometimes put on your best suit and go to lunch at Pret-A-Manger, ‘cuz you just need to be around office types.
Just don't actually buy those expensive-ass sandwiches and salads.
From The New York Times: (Who totally called me out on my shit with this story.)
“Look around you. On the train platform, at the bus stop, in the car pool lane: these days someone there is probably faking it, maintaining a job routine without having a job to go to.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | New Work Opportunities, The Unemployed Life | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 10, 2009
When meeting a group of them for lunch, casually mention that you can’t wait to get home to your couch as soon as they start complaining about going back to work all afternoon.
Apparently all of our former co-workers are Asian. (Not our real former coworkers.)
1 Comment | Unemployment Benefits, Ways to make your employed friends jealous | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 10, 2009
“If you send my resume to your hiring manager, I’ll be your best friend and I’ll share my Tasti D-Lite with you.”
"OK"
Leave a Comment » | Child of the 80's, Freegan Life, The Funemployed Life | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 10, 2009
Quote of the day provided by my friend Patty’s* gchat away message.
I've heard these t-shirts do help.
*IMG cafepress.com
*Real name used with permission.
Leave a Comment » | Overheard..., QOTD, unemployed | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 10, 2009
Tracy Jordan. Or is this Tracy Morgan?
With Buffy out of the way, I decided to go back through my DVDs and find another, possibly lighter show to help me pass the time. I’m all for ancient demons and fateful battles, but an unemployed person can only take so many apocalypses before the end of the world starts to mirror real life.
So I pulled out my 30 Rock DVDs and was instantly reminded of how hilarious the show was from episode one. And with that, I will let Tracy Jordan impart an AIDS-injected chicken nugget of wisdom to all of the unemployed people out there who have no quality of life now that they no longer have jobs.
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | The Funemployed Life, The Unemployed Life, unemployed | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
April 10, 2009
Yo fellow laid-off peeps! Fill up your suitcase and head over to the Upper West Side TODAY (like, NOW) for free dry cleaning (with proof of unemployment?) DO IT now, before they realize how much money this could lose them.
Whoever made this sign - they should fire them and hire me instead.
First Professional Cleaners, 345 E 72nd St between First and Second Aves (212-327-0625)
Thanks to The Skint daily update and TONY for the picture I stole borrowed! (I’ll pay you back when I get a job, k?)
4 Comments | Freegan Life, Overheard..., Unemployment Benefits | Permalink
Posted by funemployednyc
April 10, 2009
An employed person, stressed out from having to hide his good fortune from all of his unemployed friends.
Don’t lie. You’re unemployed, and you probably spend at least 75% of your day feeling sorry for yourself, worrying how you’re going to make it without a steady paycheck, missing old co-workers, and essentially wallowing in your own filth.
But now, Newsweek reveals, you’ve been feeling sorry for the wrong person. Your employed friends have it much worse than you do!
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | Recessionomics, The Unemployed Life, Unemployment Benefits, Ways to make your employed friends jealous | Permalink
Posted by inquirewithin09
