If you’re one of those unemployed people who uses their free time to “be creative,” check out Age of the Cake tomorrow at Envoy Enterprises gallery, where you can help Mexican musician/artist Lazaro Valiente create his show live at the gallery and in the hours leading up to the exhibit on his Web site.

Valiente will spend the evening channeling music-makers who died or were born on July 31st; playing radio excerpts aired on previous 7/31s, and celebrating historic events with sound or music. Plus, you can pick up discount beer tix at the gallery, which can be redeemed next door at LES dive Home Sweet Home.

All the Deets:

Age of the Cake – an interactive exhibit with Mexican artist Lazaro Valiente

7/31 – 6 p.m.

Envoy Enterprises

131 Chrystie St

Like many other freelancers/work-at-homers, I sometimes (read: usually) struggle with remaining productive throughout the day. But this week, I’ve discovered what I’ve been missing all along.

The perfect workspace:

In my living room. On the couch. Wearing gym shorts. Legs crossed. Coffee table pulled in tight. Glass of water nearby. And iTunes on full blast (today’s choice: the latest Phoenix album).

Ahh….

Ugh, OK – back to work now.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that when I get tired of working, I can just fall back onto the couch and take a little nap. Oh, and the couch sits in front of the window, so great natural light and no wasted money on the electric bill. Ten points!

Recently, in my travels across the World Wide Web, I came across a powerful organization of cast-off media moguls offering their tongue-in-cheek take on pop culture and media news: The American Society of Shitcanned Media Elites (aka ASSME, heh).

Read the rest of this entry »

One of the many downsides to being unemployed: When a disgustingly intense heat wave hits in April, you can’t stay cool during the day by relying on your company’s central AC system, and instead lie at home all day in a pool of your own sweat and tears. 

Can't you just feel the cold air pouring out of this fucking vent?!

You can go to the Atlantic Terminal Target mid-morning and not have to wait in line behind screaming kids for half an hour just to pay for your items. 

Yes, my wood floors are pretty shiny and amazing.

We will have to do a background check. It costs $50. You pay for it. If you can’t afford the criminal background check, do not bother calling. We can’t hire you without checking who you are. Read the rest of this Craigslist post.

Runner Up*

1. Looking for a person to Solicit fire to obtain emergency board-up jobs. (Arsonist?!?)

*This post would have/should have won the top post of the day, but it’s located in Connecticut, not NYC.

Sometimes, when I have nothing else to do, I google phrases like “unemployed” and “unemployment” just to see what’s out there for people like me. Today, my search yielded a cartoon dragon begging for a job. Rawr:

Maybe we’d have better luck finding work if we were willing to be paid in cattle or princesses. Something to consider.

In the spirit of part-time jobs that make no sense: 

Medical Office are looking for MEDICAL DOCTORS; 
FAMILY DOCTORS 
OSTEOPATHIC MEDICAL DOCTORS 
Please email your resume at wisdom2miracle2@yahoo.com 
Best refards,Dr. 

Yes. That says “Best refards,Dr.” Completely unedited. 

To apply for this exciting opportunity, click here. 

Runners Up

1. Since Barry-O has announced a withdrawal of troops from Iraq, why not enlist in the Army! Though chances are you’ll just be sent to Afghanistan. =/ 

2. If you were a Broadway accountant right now, you’d probably be organizing a chorus line to celebrate the end of tax season. 

3. Make a load of cash now, “no talking to anyone“!

In honor of NYC’s Irish-American population, we present this statistic, about their native countrymen (and women):

Nearly half of all unemployed Irish people smoke. 

That’s a statistic we can all truly aspire to achieve.

Looking for a part-time job to supplement your unemployment income? Why not pick up some shifts as a PART-TIME ATTORNEY EXPERIENCED WITH LANDLORD/TENANT ISSUES. CALL BOB FOR MORE INFO!!!! YEAH!!

Runners Up

1. Go green in your career by becoming an energy auditor. Assess people’s energy consumption for $20/hr. No experience required!

2.How would you like to make $1000 a day to 10,000 a week from home? Yes, please!

3. Design military-style backpacks for a start-up retail company. I guess camo’s about to make a comeback.

Take photos of people looking at dead people at the Bodies Exhibit at South Street Seaport. This is not a job for the shy!

Runners Up

Haven’t been to the dentist since you lost your benefits? Become a dental receptionist and convince the doc to help ya out.

Wanted: Polite, friendly, hard-working lumber salesman. (That’s what she said.)

Find an outlet for all that unemployment angst by torturing travelers as a JFK security guard!

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably not going to become (f)unemployed this week.

Travel to Queens at 7 a.m. to serve liquor to alcoholics. No experience necessary. Young, flexible ladies only please.

See the full Craigslist posting here.

Runners Up

1. High-end nanny in Norwalk: Raise my children, but keep your hands off my husband!

2. Get paid $40 to fill out an anonymous survey about your health. They promise to not tell anyone about that rash.

3. Laugh all the way to the bank handing flyers to tourists for Comic Strip Live, home to such famous comedians as Jerry Seinfeld and Dane Cook!

And don’t forget to email us if you spot any fun listings in your job search: funemployednyc@gmail.com.

As a (f)unemployed person, my focus is always on the immediate. Who do I know at this mag publishing company? How should I change my resume to tailor it to this specific job? (Am I going to leave my apartment today?) But in the rare instance that I make it beyond submitting my resume in the job process, I’m left scrambling to research the company so I don’t sound like a complete idiot during the actual interview. Especially since I’m applying to jobs at some of the most random companies these days, just because they’ve listed open positions on CL.

Leave it to the Library to take care of the rest. NYPL’s Science, Industry and Business Library is hosting a free workshop today at 4:15 on researching companies and industries for cover letters and interview prep. The course features an intro to the library’s subscription business databases, which can be accessed for FREE with your library card.

Science, Industry and Business Library
188 Madison Avenue (btw 34th & 35th)
(212) 592-7000

Full course description after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

Your pretentious, employed friends are probably too self-obsessed to ever ask how you’re doing. But fortunately, someecards.com has a few sentimental offerings to help lift your unemployed spirits.

A few more inside…

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New York, the 14th Happiest state in the U.S.

Shut down that Evanescence playlist and cancel your anti-depressant prescrip. Finally, after months of depressing reports that the economy is dying and the Apocalypse is upon us, we find a shining beacon of hope amidst all the darkness.

Thanks to a new study by mainstreet.com, we can confirm that New York is the 14th happiest state in the country!

Via the Business Review in Albany:

New York ranked 19th in non-mortgage debt as a percentage of annual income at 31.6 percent, 27th in unemployment with a rate of 7.8 percent, and 13th in foreclosures with one per 2,271 households.

More than half the country is better employed than we are. But at least we don’t live in Nebraska! Heh.

Oh, wait. Nebraska was ranked #1, with a Happiness Index 50 points better than ours? Less non-mortgage debt? Fewer foreclosures? Crap.

Deets on the Top 20 Happiest States after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

Last night I was Googling this blog name to see how popular we were conducting market research to improve our brand, and I discovered that we’re not getting any Google Juice. Our blog doesn’t get any props for at least the first 20 pages of search results.

But you know who is 2nd on the Google-ometer? This other blog with our same name!!!! Asshole!

But we bought the domain – ha!

Anyway, I had thought of adding that poor soul to our Unemployed Blogroll just to make sure that she was indebted to us as a gesture of kindness when our blog bombs her blog out of the water.

Then I thought – what if she sues me? I mean, I don’t know if you can sue over a blog name that’s so uncreative anyway. And I absolutely didn’t steal it from this girl. (I stole it from a fashion copywriter I know who was recently funemployed herself.) Besides, what’s in a name? The idea for this blog is entirely, fundamentally different from that girl’s blog. This blog is funny.

So I wanted to write this preemptive blog strike to inform this unknown girl (who is actually keeping her Reebok gym membership while unemployed – so she must be loaded) that if she does indeed try to sue me, us, all of our assets are debt.

Aspiring editrix skinny girl, if you want to take responsibility for my $60,000 Citibank loan from NYU, be my guest.

My lunch.

Back in December, I found out I didn’t have a job after the holidays (Merry Fucking Christmas!). At the time, I wasn’t too worried about how being unemployed would change my eating habits. Sure, I wouldn’t see my lunchtime posse at Cosi as often, or get a chance to peruse the other thousands of culinary options in Midtown. But on my first day sitting at home, I was harshly reminded that my far-flung Brooklyn nabe is lacking in the restaurant department. On an outing to glorious Foodtown, I remembered another fact of my life in the city – I can’t fucking cook! If it can’t be delivered or prepped in the microwave, it’s not being eaten in my apartment.

In the checkout line, my selections all had something in common – highly processed, quickly prepared, everything meant to be stored in the freezer. And it was all to be eaten by myself. On my couch. Watching reruns of Desperate Housewives.

Now I sit here in the middle of the afternoon, listening to Kelly Clarkson telling me “It’s gonna be all right,” as I wait for my Lipton chicken-flavored noodles to finish cooking in the microwave.

Yes, Kelly, please. Please, save me. My stomach has adjusted to a life without real food. My brain has forgotten what it was like to have a daily social engagement.

At least my checking account has seen a bit of relief – one pack of noodles costs less than $2, leaving my precious funds to be spent where they’ll really benefit me. At the bar, of course.